Michele Lovetri | When I’m Not Myself
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When I’m Not Myself

When I’m Not Myself

When I’m not myself please know that this is a moment in time for me for I have drifted off my path but plan to come home and ask that you keep the light on.

When I’m not myself you must know that it is not you. There are two of me right now and both are trying to find their purpose. I ask that you give both of us time.

When I’m not myself please understand that I’m trying. I’m trying with everything I have and some days it doesn’t feel like much. I’m giving this my all and while I will defeat this, there will be days that lure me back in and I must go. It’s a journey that needs exploring every once in a while and one that shows up to remind me how strong I am and about the person I’m supposed to be.

When I’m not myself please accept this part of me and think of it as a gift. I feel I was chosen for this struggle. I may never know why but I know that there is a greater purpose for me because of it.

When I’m not myself please let go and let me be sucked in to the tornado. It will spin me around and try to break me, but know that I refuse to let it. It may drop me down in an unfamiliar place, I will be scared and I will look around to find you. I have to travel back to you on my own but I will get there. I always do.

When I’m not myself I ask that you please wait for me and please continue to believe in me. Out of all of your superpowers the one I need the most is patience. That’s not easy at times, I know, oh trust me I know. But remember that I didn’t choose this. Who would? It’s something that I have been entrusted with and intend to make the most out of.

When I’m not myself please let me scream, please let me cry but when I think I need space please stay close. I can’t keep it all inside. If I do I will burst and most often I just need to get it out. I go thru moments of resentment about this gift I have been given and the physical overload can take hold and I need to break free. I know you will be there to wipe the tears after it has passed. Please don’t go far.

When I’m not myself I go thru periods where I find myself staring at other moms, other women, wondering how I could be like “them,” and not have to be burdened by this challenge. I study every part of them and pray to be their equal. Then I remember that I know nothing about their story and go back to writing mine.

When I’m not myself I hope you know I feel no shame. I do not carry guilt, nor do I feel embarrassed by this unique part of me. I’m a survivor and to battle something like this is heroic for anyone. I am not defined by these moments in time only strengthened.

When I’m not myself know that I’m terrified. I’m tirelessly seeking relief and engulfing myself in self-care for an unknown. An unknown time frame. An unknown journey. But I go back in every time. I breathe life back into myself every time and I will continue to face the dark every time for when I’m not myself that is when I learn the most. I am determined to remain undefeated.

 

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