When I Say I Love You

September 8, 2015 is the day I made a promise to you. This was the day we saw your two heartbeats. I made a promise to take care of you, and take care of myself for you. We spent the next 8 1/2 months together, just the three of us, growing in more ways than one. That first year was hard. I battled boys, my gosh did I battle. Myself, my brain, my body, my emotions, my motherhood and my life. If it wasn't for your father I would never have made it those first few weeks. He took on the bulk of the work because I just couldn't. One day I will sit you down and tell you more. Fast forward to today, a little over two years later, and my heart bursts when I see you, when we talk and when we giggle together. Every time you hug me and say, "Mamaaaaa" I fall a little more in love with being your mom. Watching you grow, and helping you grow, is and will always be my life's work and my greatest achievement but I want you to know what I mean when I say, "I love you." I mean there is nothing in this world that could ever make me stop loving you. There is nothing that you can do to end the unconditional, and true, love I have for you. When I say "I love you" I am telling you that I support you. I will always be here to lift you up and will do my best to make it "all better." I mean that I will not always like you and you will not always like me. There may be times where we disappoint each other but I will always be in your corner and on your team. I hope you will be the same. I am saying that I understand that we will not see eye to eye all the time but I know that it will be short lived for in the long run it won't matter. I am saying that I will do my best to let you go when the time comes but I ask that you always be mindful of how hard that may be for me and be patient with me if I hug you a little longer and a little tighter as the years go on. When I say "I love you" I am saying that I will do whatever it takes to protect you, whatever it takes, but I know that I have to let you fall, I have to let you experience failure and I have to let you get dirty along life's road because I know these tests make you stronger. I am saying that I will fight for you whenever you need me to. I believe in you and all that you are. I will always push you to give your all because I will always know what you're capable of and I will go to the end of the earth to ensure you continue to see that and believe it. I mean that I will always be honest with you and do everything I can to steer you in the right direction even if I know that means you will not be fond of me. Right now my job is to be your mom, not your friend. I am saying that I just want you to be happy, no matter what that means for you. I will support any direction you take in life as long as it makes your heart smile and gives you a feeling of purpose and fulfillment. I mean that I love you and accept you for who you are and you will always be enough. You can always come to me when life gets hard. There will be a time when you will think I don't know what I'm talking about but please trust that I do and will always be your rock and your safe place. When I say "I love you" I want you to know that I have done, and am doing, the best I can and sometimes I feel my best isn't enough but I'm trying. Please know I don't have all the answers and I know that I never will but my loves I am giving you my all. One day when you're a parent, if you so choose, you will understand what this means. I mean that your pictures will always be works of art to me because I know that you are expressing yourself to the world and your message is one that needs to be heard and I'm so proud of you. I am saying that I am committed to this no matter how hard it gets. You have all of me all the time and can always count on me. When I say "I love you" know that I want you to stop every once in a while and breathe in gratitude. Life gets busy but if you carry gratitude in your heart you will always have the right guide walking with you. I am saying that I walk around with my heart outside of my body each and every day. When you hurt I hurt. When you're sad I'm sad. When you're happy I'm happy. I will always worry about you so please think twice before telling me not to because it will be impossible for me not to. I mean that I know I'm raising you to fly on your own and I will savor every minute, every second, that you need me because I know that day is going to come all too quickly when you don't need me nearly as much as you do now and instead of waking up to your "good morning mama's," I will be waiting for your phone call. When I say "I love you" they are more than just words. They are promises, goals, emotions, wishes and dreams. All for you, all for us. All for eternity.

When I Say I Love You

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