17 Apr I Ran Today
I ran today. Probably not a huge deal to most but the significance for me is paramount. The past two months have been some of my most challenging since the boys were born two years ago. I’m married to a CPA so those of you who are also married to one understand the past 2 1/2 months. In addition to managing what seem to be tiny human indecisive missiles I battled illness and horrible anxiety (still working on the later by the way). Those of you that follow me know that I do not shy away from talking about my anxiety and my struggles with postpartum depression and anxiety. I do it because I believe the more we talk about it the more movement we get on this topic and the more we break the stigma. I do it because when I was going thru it I had no idea that there was this entire other world out there of women who were going thru exactly what I was going thru and who wanted to help. I do it because we need to make change.
I ran today. I haven’t been myself. In fact I have been searching for myself for two months. I miss her terribly but I know she is there. I made a promise to myself, and my family, that I would keep looking. I would keep up the search because failure is not an option. And truth be told I’m referring to failure of myself, not failure of anyone else. We are no good to others if we are not good to ourselves. Investing in yourself whether it is your mental health, physical health or emotional health is critical to your existence so whatever it is that you need you go and do that.
I ran today. I was tired. I am tired and at times it feels like I will always be tired. Trust me I know that it isn’t true and that one day I will be longing for the sweet, “Good morning’s” at the crack of dawn and middle of the night rocking sessions because those babies need me. As a parent our bodies get put thru the mill between the mental to-do lists, the way we push ourselves to get 72 hours worth of things done in a 24 hour day, and just the overall non-stop. In some way I’m much more efficient than I ever was before (I can totally make a full meal with one hand) and I feel awesome about that, but in another way I wish I had the discipline to push “pause,” like I did before kids and the nonchalant attitude that what doesn’t get done today could get done tomorrow. Now what doesn’t get done today almost meets its maker and never gets done.
I ran today. I’ve been a mess. In the past two years, aside from the first several months home, I can’t remember when I felt so out of sorts and if I didn’t have anything together. As parents I don’t think we ever feel as if we have it all together but there was a point where I felt comfortable in the mess, comfortable in the madness. While I think I have done a good job shielding my boys from the mess, my husband has had to hold me up and I’m sure that hasn’t been easy. There have been days where I can’t look him in the eye because I’m embarrassed that I just can’t get it together at times and I’m incredibly lucky that he loves me thru that. There are not many people on this earth that could, and would, love you thru your darkest times. I happened to luck out here big time. Thanks love.
I ran today. I didn’t think that I could. I worried if it was too soon, too much and if I could do it at all. I used to run, spin, and do strength training without batting an eyelash. Running has always been my vice. I remember when our treadmill broke down a few years ago and I nearly went off the deep end. Sounds silly I know, but the treadmill has always brought me clarity when I needed it. It is the friend that listens without judgement. It is the friend that continually gives me the gift of good health and positivity. It is my lifeline to being a better person, wife and mother.
I ran today. I ran with such a fierceness. This run was different from all of the others. It’s significance so much greater. It was a critical piece in the search for myself. It was a reminder, a glimpse of me. I wasn’t the out of control mess. I wasn’t the anxiety that has taken hold more times than I could count. I wasn’t the illness ridden patient. I wasn’t the fearful mom that couldn’t get out of her own way. I was me. All for 20 minutes. I felt in control. I felt for one of the first times in weeks, “I could do this. I’m coming back.” I even started crying thru my run. It wasn’t a record breaker by any means but in those 20 minutes something beautiful emerged.
I guess why I’m sharing this with you is because I know there are other women, other moms, out there that are on the same search for themselves like I am. I know there are other women and moms that are feeling inadequate, unlovable, and like a mess. I know there are other women and moms that look at themselves in the mirror wondering who is staring back at them at times. I know there are other women and moms that crave knowing that just one person in this entire universe understands them and I know there are other women and moms that are just wanting a break. This run solidified for me that we are stronger than our obstacles. It solidified for me that although I have wanted to give up and stay stuck I know I can’t and I know that’s not innate in who I am, and I have news for you…that is not innate in who you are either. You, my friend, are full of will and full of intent. You are a fighter, a warrior, and a hero to many. You are fearless despite what the surface tells you. You are courage defined and have survived all of your bad days. You are an example, the example, that your children, family and friends need, you can overcome anything and are one heck of an inspiration. Your madness and your darkness are just chapters in your story. I support you. We support you. Keep going. Keep reaching. Keep running.