28 Feb A Letter to My Sons
I am not sure at which point in your life you will read this but I want you to be together when you do. I remember the pain and struggles your dad and I went thru to conceive you. It was one bad test result after the other and ultimately we knew that IVF was our only option. We went all in and never looked back but every tear shed, all of those painful appointments and every road block was worth the incredible gift of you. Along the way you may hear comments from others stating you weren’t conceived “naturally” (I’ve heard and read these things as well) but please know my loves you are the most natural beings out there and were conceived with more love than can be put into words. We were determined to bring you both to fruition and just needed a little help to get us there. Never in our wildest dreams could we have thought we would be blessed with twins.
I must say, looking back now, I rocked that twin pregnancy and together you were both 13 pounds! I remember the day you were born in flashes of pictures. Mommy didn’t handle delivery well and became hypothermic and had some complications. There are pictures of me holding you in the first hour of your lives in the outside world but I owe you an apology because I don’t remember taking them. I suffered terribly thru postpartum depression and anxiety but I hope you are proud of me for how far I have come. I spend each and every day hoping I make you proud. Motherhood has made me live in a world full of mixed emotions. Fear, insanity, pure joy and total head over heels love to name a few. We have navigated thru all of these emotions together and I believe we have come out stronger because we have done it as a team.
Time seems to be flying by much faster than I would like. You will be two soon and I’m in awe of how much you have grown. I have to admit my heart breaks a little each time you want to be “big boys” and not hold my hand. I know you don’t mean to hurt my feelings but letting go is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. When you are newbies in this world it is far easier to navigate life for you, and shield you from all things scary, but then you blink and you’re exerting your independence and I know as time goes on your determination to be “big” will only grow stronger forcing me to let go that much more. Please know I will fight to keep you little, to hang on to each and every moment that you let me wipe your tears, kiss your boo-boos or hold you when you don’t feel well. My love is strong and my will fierce but I know you will win in the end. You will see one day what this means. You have an incredible bond that seems to grow stronger each day. When you call each other “brother” and I see the pure and raw love that you have for each other I am reminded of all of my wishes for you both.
Never waiver my hearts, never waiver from who you really are. Please know that just by being here you make this world a better place and you will never have anything to prove to anyone. You’re strong, you’re unique and you have so much to contribute to this world so I encourage you to go all in. This world really is beautiful although at times it will not seem that way. Spend time on experiences and fill your souls with people that bring out the best in you, tell it to you like it is and lift you higher. These people will be the ones that will remain a constant in your life but do know that pool of people tends to get smaller with age however far more meaningful.
Be passionate about something all the time whether it be music, sports, art, reading, writing, or whatever suits you. Be true to you and never stop exploring. Being passionate about something keeps us alive inside and keeps us grounded. Chase your dreams and know that you can be, and do, anything you set your mind to. Never have a sense of entitlement and know that it may take years and may take a great deal of work but that much more of a reward at the end will be found. No matter what you choose promise me that you will be happy, from your gut, happy. I will be here to support you always, no matter what, and there is nothing that you could do to make me stop loving you. I love you so much my heart aches.
Be compassionate towards others and give back when you can. Kindness exerted comes back full circle to us so always keep the kind part of your heart alive and well. Never judge, anyone. Instead try to understand their story. We all have one and at the end of the day we are all far more connected than we realize. Know that you don’t have to like everyone and certainly not everyone is going to like you, and that’s ok. Wish them well and move on. Find something to be grateful for each day as living in gratitude makes our lives abundant and I couldn’t want more for you.
Love with all of your heart, and start with yourself. Please do not spend a moment of your time wishing you were someone else because the world needs you just as you are. Give love and you will get love in return. There will be people in this world that will make you feel as though you have to change who you are, but know that all that is is a red flag that they are not your people. Never let anyone taint your awesome.
Always be there for each other. Always have each other’s backs. You are so lucky to not have to go at this world alone and always have someone to help your thru your “firsts,” so always be grateful for each other. See the good in each other and when the bad rears its ugly head try and be understanding and supportive. Stick up for one another, and for yourselves. Never be afraid to stand up for what is right and always be in the leadership position, not the follower. Be strong but never be afraid to show your vulnerabilities. They will help you grow as people.
Never, ever, question if, and how much, you are loved and certainly never wonder if I loved one of you more than the other. There is room in my heart for both of you and you have it equally. You will have challenged by patience, made me question myself repeatedly and made me teeter on the brink of insanity but I will forever be madly in love with both of you. One day when you become a parent you will feel, and understand, what it is like to have a love consume every part of your being to the point that you feel like you need to gasp for air it holds on so tight, but until then you will have to take my word for it. Please know that I am doing, and have done, the best I could. I am not perfect and have made mistakes and failed more times than I hope you have counted. Parenting is hard but I hope that one day when you have children of your own you say at least once, “I’m just like my mom (or dad!).” Until then my loves I encourage you to live freely and without worry for as long as possible. Continue to say “hi” to everyone you see, live in a world of “right and good,” and have the sun rise and set on Mickey Mouse. Embrace each day as purely as you do and may you continue to find joy in the small things.